an intern's thanks

I spent this Thanksgiving working from Thursday 6 am to Friday 12 pm. For the first month after reviewing my schedule for the holiday season, I felt bitter. Not only did I land a call night on Thanksgiving but I also ended up with three 'black' weekends, where I work all weekend long spending Saturday night without a pause before charging on into the next week. The days morph together in a disoriented shuffle. I simply become unaware of where I am and acutely aware of where I am not.

I expressed these deeper somewhat dismal thoughts to my co-intern today as the doors of the hospital soundlessly slid open and we made our way home. Not terribly coherent, but nevertheless heartfelt I tried to explain that in my 1/2 second of reflection yesterday between endless pages ranging from the ridiculous ('seriously, your kid hasn't pooped in how long? 6 hours? And you really think he needs a glycerine chip in his bottom?!') to the heart wrenching, a non-accidental trauma (read child abuse) case who brain started herniating, I came up with nothing. A bit of a numb feeling. I'm grateful for... working unbelievable hours? Missing my family on this holiday? Not knowing the small details of my children's lives that weave together to create their present worries, triumphs and fears. No I decided, while I certainly am grateful for the material items in my life: having a house, plenty of food, a car that gets me to work (when I have time to stop to get gas). And while certainly thankful for my children's health, I am undeniably bitter that I spend more time caring for some 'social hospitalization' than I do with my own. I choked down turkey filled sobs during the few minutes I shared with my husband after he brought me leftovers in the hospital noting to him that I find myself crying if I ever stop to think about how I feel. It's easier to be numb.

My co-intern (a childless, yet married guy likely 3 years my junior) nodded. But he turned to me saying
'Well I didn't have to look far yesterday to find things to be thankful for. It crossed my mind several times yesterday that I wouldn't want to trade shoes with anyone else who was here in the hospital yesterday. In every case, from the janitor to the patient dying of CF to the cafeteria server, I was thankful that I had the opportunity to serve, to help and to possibly add more to someone's life on a holiday.' **I'm parphrasing here as he managed to say it even more eloquently than I can manage**

It made me pause. In past years, it is always relationships for which I find myself most grateful on Thanksgiving and having the opportunity to spend the holiday with the people I love simply reinforces this truth. My relationships are suffering this internship year. While my children are thriving, I am disconnected from them more than ever. Which makes my title as momma feel tenuous and my role as mother perfunctory. Messing with my relationships, such a huge part of what I base my whole personhood, my success in life and my happiness, is embittering. But his comment reminded me of what I did get to do yesterday that I normally don't: I fed a failure to thrive panhypopit baby because his mom left the hospital to celebrate with friends and family. I rocked a terrified child until he collapsed into sleep after an IV attempt gone poorly and I spent time cross covering other people whom I normally don't encounter because of the holidays. While my personal relationships are undoubtedly suffering during my training, I occasionally need reminders that other relationships (physician/patient, nurse/physician) are growing. And while the ability to offer hope, to reassure parents, and to order the gd glycerine chip may not completely fill me up, the sense of service and the acknowledgment of how much I have learned are reasons to give thanks and perhaps for me to feel a little less grinchy this holiday season